At first I was really remorseful when I put the dates together and realized when you were in that cold dark place, I was, well…….Then I heard you tell me that it is OK. That I need to enJOY myself too. That life is too short, and ya gotta have a little fun…..so it’s OK that that was a good day for me…….God, I hope it’s ok. You were always a forgiving sort though, so I don’t think you’d mind. In fact, part of me thinks that YOU sent him to me. To offer me comfort, to build a friendship to help fill the void losing you was going to leave. Maybe the biggest void in my life. I remember feeling perplexed at this weird sense of contentment, of peace even. I shrugged it off to not having any feeling/emotion. Then I remembered looking up at him and thinking, “What the hell are you smiling at??” (Maybe you even borrowed a moment in his body and it was actually YOU smiling down at me?????) And it just felt smooth, serene. (A strange thing to say about what we were doing, especially since it was really, really, well, Nice…..) But it just felt like it wasn’t going to complicate anything, or bring about any bad feelings in the long run. Kinda like it was, hanging out with you. It just felt…….right. Like I could tell him things (and I still do), like he’d understand (and he still does). So thank you, if you are responsible for that little (big!) gift. Thank you for allowing me to LAUGH and feel wanted and connected. Thank you for being ok, with me not falling into the void, or losing myself in the abyss of loneliness. I know you always hated me being in turmoil, in pain. I know you always wanted me to be happy. And for those few hours, maybe I was.