It's so weird sitting down here

without you

Is it weird that it doesn't seem weird

to be with you?

I'm so lonesome for you

I'm so lonesome without you

But you're here

in a different form

And I am so grateful

I am so grateful.

You're an angel now, but in a lot of ways, you were when you were here, too.....

You died a year ago today. Holy shit I still miss you! I wanted to go to the lake, but your family was all going to be there, and I wanted to let them grieve for you in peace and private. I didn’t want to put them through trying to drag me out of the lake that I would have flung myself into like a baptism of fire. So instead I started my tribute to you by going to the cathedral we used to go to. A place I can still feel your presence whenever I walk in. Your spirit wisps throughout the beautiful stained glass and above the alter (amused you can go wherever you want to now!) As I flipped through the hymn book you confirmed your presence by guiding my hand (I literally felt it) to the page the reading would be literally a second or two before it was announced on the microphone. Now tell me that this particular song, which mentions a BIRD, and a beaver (the name of the lake you drown in), was a “coincidence”…….I’m sure there are literally dozens of hymns that mention both of those (yeah right!) Of course my eyes flooded with tears as I knew you were saying hello again. I managed to pull myself together long enough to light a candle from me and one from Meghan for you. As the tears clung to my eyelashes with the light of all the candles in the background, the most beautiful heavenly wing pattern emerged. Not only was it indescribably beautiful, it made me realize for sure that you were safe (not that there was any doubt). I left the church and stepped out into the sunlight, slightly drained, sad and happy at the same time. Happy for you. Meghan told me shortly after that she is happy for you as well.

The next day I went to the bridge. I expected to go there alone, but when I arrived, happily, there were literally hundreds of people lining the river bank to enjoy the beautiful sunny day. It was a happy, bustling place with children playing, families spending time together. Meghan later told me that Beaver Lake seemed exactly the same. I wondered if you had somehow arranged that for us. I found a nice spot in the shade to meditate and think about you. I read a book that was one of our favourites, and almost drifted off into a peaceful sleep. Before I knew it, I had been there 4 hours. It felt like 30 minutes. Suddenly I realized that I was going to miss the sunset if I didn’t hurry. I gathered up my blanket and raced to the truck. Driving back towards the city I noticed a beautiful, long, wispy cloud coming out from the sun as it began to set. It reminded me of a bird, or angel wing. It seemed to go on forever, to infinity in fact. Suddenly I noticed in the rear view mirror that the hat I had been wearing all day (it was yours) said “Infinity”. Hello again…….Then there was this really cool mist above the fields. Odd for that time of day/year I thought. When I got to the other bridge, the one we went under that day on our kayak trip, I parked my truck along the side of the road. Cars whizzed by me as I carried my basket of 44 rocks from the bridge I had spent the day at, the one we left from that day. I’m sure people thought I was out of my mind as I kissed each rock and flung it over the edge. Each one carried a message of love for you. I wanted to move the rocks along the river to prove that you had moved the earth, mountains even, for me when you were here, and you are still doing it. I felt a sense of peace as I walked back with the remaining 7 rocks (you had a 7 tattooed on you for some reason). Then I hopped back in my truck and headed for the zoo, our final destination that day.

When I arrived at the zoo I wasn’t sure if I could figure out exactly where we had paddled, driven, and walked to. But I knew right away. You took me straight there. Again there were a lot of people enjoying what was left of the warm summer day. As I walked across the field I wrote about in an earlier poem, I remembered how you were such a considerate, thoughtful, ‘gentlemanly’ friend the day we pulled up exhausted and frozen after 7 hours on the river. You told me to go wait in the truck while you took care of loading the boats. I remember wishing we were married then, because you knew how to treat a woman. As I stepped over the thresh-hold of the field and the road, there was a feather lying on the ground. I picked it up and carried it with me while I threw the final rocks into the river. A prayer, or a message to you and to God, escaped my lips as I threw the last one: “Dear God, thank you for my friend Ricky, please keep him safe and happy until we meet again, and please let HIM greet me when I die and let us spend eternity together.” Then I added, “Dear Ricky, thank you for being my friend and for being such an amazing presence in my life both when you were here, and now that you are where you are. I love you with all my heart and I was so glad to know you and I hope we can be together in the afterlife forever”. And I meant it.

Anyway,thank you for a perfect day. The chorus of this song suits every day I spend with you now....

Sunsets are beautiful. Moon rises are 1000 times better. Especially behind God’s Mountain in the Okanagan. Siting on the edge of the lake, it was like watching the most beautiful, cosmic display. The stars were crystal clear. The night air was warm and still. So peaceful and relaxing. Everyone had gone home early that night, and I sat there alone, happy to have a minute to myself to reflect. The light that glowed behind the mountain directly across the lake was so spectacular, like a GIANT spotlight on the row of trees that lined the top of the hill. The row of trees that you couldn’t wedge a finger between in the daylight, now parted to add clarity to what I saw. I saw you. Your silhouette was so clear I thought I could talk to it. But you moved and I saw another figure. A wolf?? You played with it. I could hear you laughing. I wondered if it was your beloved dog, Nikita. I stared at both of you for several minutes. Memorizing the landscape so I could examine it closely in the daylight. But I didn’t have to. You came back 3 nights in a row.

Vigil

Do you remember when I finally got the courage to drive out to the Devon Bridge and sort of stumble around on the bank of the river where we spent our last day?? It was one of those perfect summer nights. The valley looked so beautiful, like you had spruced it up, just for me. I gathered all the rocks I could carry (and soon will throw them off the other bridge we went under) and went home and held the most pathetic little vigil for you. There was a candle, your gorgeous face on your memorial card, and a bunch of rocks. I listened to City And Colour and cried until my eyelids almost swelled shut. In the background was the squeaking of this poor little mouse that had snuck under the patio door. He was stuck to a trap and I felt so sorry for it so I asked you to come and take care of it. (I was afraid to touch it while it was still moving). You were sooooo good with animals. You had this connection with them………… (we don’t need to mention what that has evolved into……….)