Your fav.'s! =)

You spoke so frequently of spirituality. You were trying to tell me something. I listened with my ears. Now I listen to you with my heart.

I could have lost myself in the blue water of your eyes. And I,
Miss you still.

If I believe it, then it is. I BELIEVE YOU'RE STILL HERE. So you are.

You were always my Angel - May 20


all those times
we sat there
in your truck
(pick any truck)
i thought i'd die
if you didn't
kiss me
again
all those years
we spent
back and forth
back and forth
when i wanted it
you stopped me
when you wanted it
i stopped you
we just couldn't
get our act
together
thought we'd both find
imperfections
that didn't exist
thought we might
wreck the friendship

Re-Vealed - Apr 20, 2011

When you know someone
Really KNOW them
and they know you
For decades
And you know all the
Wonder and Light
They carry in their Heart
And they are the one you
Run to
When darkness Swallows you whole
And you’ve Played with
their Inner Child
And also seen up Close the
demons they’ve Danced with
And how God Himself
Has Kissed their soul
When you’ve Watched them
Walk on water
And you’ve walked through Hell together
and come out the Other Side

and
then
they
leave
you

It hurdles you right back There
Plunging through endless Grief
Alone
Like Swimming in mercury
Fumbling blindly through
paralyzing Regret
Over things left Unsaid, un
Done
It Renders you helpless and
Handicapped
Seeing them in Signs
and Symbols
all smeared Together
In a cloudy, confusing Abyss
Dwelling in Shadow
Shrouded in Mystery



……..
My Faith tells me that
You’re ok
And that you’re
with Him
But I wish I could SEE
Exactly where you went
What you Look like now
Whole and full of Grace
Even more Magnificent
Than you Were down here
They say living through your Senses
Is senseless
But when I Close my eyes
I can feel your Skin
And I see your Eyes
Brilliant Blue, cutting through Steel
Through Me
And I can hear your deep, Sweet voice

"Don’t do this to yourself, Kim.
Don’t do it.
Let me go.
Be happy for me.”

Today is your birthday. You are not ‘here’ to celebrate it with me, but I had the privilege of spending some time with your daughter, which filled my heart with a sense of peace at this beautiful continuation of our friendship. You were one of the most spiritual people I knew. You were one of the very few people on this earth that I could talk with, about God. Since you went to meet our creator, I have been going to the church we used to go to. Sometimes I go when there is no one else there so I can feel like I am alone with you. The first time I did this, I opened a hymn book and found this. (I know you like it because it is similar to the prayers we used to say together):

The Eyes and Hands of Christ
Where two or there are gathered in my name
Love will be found
Life will abound
By name we are called
From the WATER we are sent
To become the eyes and hands of Christ
One we become
No longer strangers
No longer empty or frail
Filled with the Spirit
Every hunger is satisfied

Christ is the center of our lives
One in the Spirit
One in the Lord
One in the breaking of the bread
Life giving witness of our dying
And New Life
Held by the promise in our hands
Not what we are
But what we become
Not what we say
But what we do
Living the challenge
As bearers of the light
We are the eyes and hands of Christ


(I also find comfort in your memorial card, which reads):

When dawn’s first light
Turned into day
Who knew an angel
Would soon call me away
And though I didn’t get the chance
To say goodbye,
I leave you three things
to help you get by.
I leave you Courage
That you might see
Your heart can rebuild
a world without me
I leave you Faith
That you might believe
The spirit will survive
No matter how much we grieve
And I leave you Love,
To comfort you in its healing embrace
until we meet again in another place



Don’t stand by my grave and weep
For I am not there
I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamonds glint on snow
I am sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn’s rain
In the soft hush of the morning light
I am the soft BIRDS in flight
Don’t stand by my grave and cry
I am not there
I did not die



RICKY
I miss you
I miss having you to talk to
I miss your smile
I miss your laugh
I miss your arms around me
when I feel small and insignificant
Like I do now
I miss loving nature with you
I miss going on spiritual journeys with you
I miss how you made time stand still
I miss sitting in the quiet with you
I just miss you

But I still see you
In the wind in the trees
The birds in the sky
The dolphins in the sea
The stallion in the field
In the Northern lights dancing
The mountains, the moon,
The oceans, and waterfalls
Though you were gone too soon
You are God’s pure light
Strength, Peace and Grace
And you will forever be,
My love, my friend


"How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to."

This so resonates with me as I can completely relate to the woman in the picture lying naked and exposed on the frozen lake. Add wings (and a gladiator body type) to the figure holding her, and it reminds me of my dearly beloved, and dearly ‘departed’ angel, Ricky. I know he is still with me. I feel his presence, and his love every day. I hope he feels mine.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KCL-uXni4o&feature=related

So it’s that season again. (Yes, G, we are indeed a bunch of wasteful creatures!) Usually around this time of year I am right into the whole festive mode. Not this year. A couple times now I have caught myself at a Christmas party, sitting in the middle of a crowd of people and just staring at the floor. I am preoccupied with a sense of loss. A sense of being lost. I think about who I lost this year, and how I can barely cope. I was doing ok until that day I went to the mall and my life was changed forever. He was taken by something I love. The water. His daughter works saving little kids from drowning there. A cruel irony. But life goes on. And I am trying so hard to pick up the pieces, but pieces of what?? It all seems so pointless. And it really SUCKS that I don’t have him here to help me through this. Although there have been signs that he’s still here (God, have there even been signs!) The latest one was 3 black feathers. I just haven’t figured out if they are from a bird, or an angel.

It came as no surprise that she was such a Sweetheart it made my heart ache just to be around her. Her dad was like that too. His heart was the size of a word that rhymes with vagina ……..ha! thought you’d like that, honey! Jesus, your last few days on earth you were taking care of orphaned kittens??! That is sooooo like you!!! You and animals, were tight. You’re probably taking care of all the wounded/dead one’s right now……but I’m just gonna come right out and ask ya: WAS THAT YOU??? The morning of your funeral, she said you were tapping on her window, then you flew away. We both know why she thinks that. It’s to do with a couple of the stories you told me, isn’t it?? Yah, so don’t tell me that 5 min after I got the tattoo to honor your memory that YOU weren’t with me when I bought the frame for her with the BIRDS on it!! I got your number babe (Geez, try not to be so obvious - just like the tub thing, and the yoga thing, and the.....) Oh, and my decision to bake church windows with her, had nothing to do with the fact that you and her used to make them? No, I didn’t know that. How many colored marshmallow fights did you two get in, anyway?? Quite a few I’ll bet. =)

Anyway, what a gift your child is!! You did such a great job raising her!!! She has your heart, your blood though, so how could she be any different?? We had such a wonderful time together sharing stories about you. We laughed a whole bunch, and we cried a whole bunch. We will be spending a lot more time together, and you’ll be there with us……

Oh, thanks for the cap. When she gave it to me, ……well, you saw me. Now it sits there by your picture and it’s like you’re right there! Ssspooky! (You always used to say that).

Well, I better get to bed, 5 a.m. comes early (your favorite time of day). Try not to laugh if I snore (I never did when you did!)

Love, Forever and Ever and Ever and Ever....

k.

Angels give good hugs! (and so do their daughters)

Dec 12 - Wingspan

God I need you
please be there
I’m going to see your little girl today
I beg you to catch every word that comes out of my mouth and let it float down on her
with your gentle strength and grace
soak us in the love you left us
two lost afraid little girls
we need you now
more than ever
catch our tears
ease our fears
please be with us
help us bear the Loss
lift us up with your knowing way
surround us bring us peace and solace
you were such a Light
help us through the darkness
help us find our way
please tell me what to say!
help us feel less alone and broken
comfort us with soft words spoken
bring our weary hearts together
let no one else get in
except my own little girl
bring us all closer together
like you did in Life
help us see Beyond
help us understand
help us find
Forever

Glance

see through curtains
dividing shattered worlds
shredded body and endless gazes
the pills you swallowed didn’t bring you that
it’s our arbitrary campaign
that makes us fall off the flat
no searing heat or frosted pain
only crystal clear confusion
replacing liquid death
foresight blocking lost illusion
fading fast into infinite eternity
wilderness symbols nameless age
piercing rage then savior sage
sit quietly with me now
as my hands tremble
reaching for your touch
I couldn’t hear the silence
until you left

You believe in what nobody else does
In your mind theres no time and a constant buzz
So disregard the master plan
It's a disaster man you better ride it out

I can see it all in your eyes
Your future fades, your minutes are few
When the angels make contact with you

You believe in what nobody else does
And things ain't the way they was
A fool like you is a freak to me
It's unique to me what you seek to see

I can see it all in your eyes
Your future fades, your minutes are few
When the angels make contact with you

I've seen the future isn't pretty,
Killer instinct, lover surprise,
Make a stop build a fire
Hold your breathe,
Cover your eyes
The tides are turning crimson
Knife all growing like a cancer
Feeding on your broken money
Isolations not the answer
Listen what the wind says softly
Sound of traffic, smells like paper
Kisses on your worried eye lids
Sleepless nights turn into vapour
Like a dream and as the crow flies
Must reject the pain your trapping
Give me all your hard earned beauty
And i will tell you what will happen.

Your day will fade and your thought will jade
And you'll wake up in the middle of a dream
Coming up on hard luck, with a moment of silence
And no time to kill, no reason to care
Beware

I can see it all in your eyes
Your future for a dime, anytime...
Your future fades your minutes are few
When the angels make contact

Matt Mays

Everywhere

In the trees, in the park, in my truck, on the hill, on my hand, on my phone, on my wall, in my living room, in my yard, in my chair, in my garage, on the stairs, in Hess’s work, at the grocery store, at the mall, at Yoga, at school, at the game, on signs, in videos, on the radio, in my CD player, in my bedroom, in the shower, on tub ledges, in my kitchen, on countertops, by Christmas trees, on building tops, in the sky, even on the moon

in my thoughts
in my dreams
in my prayers
in my heart
in the stillness
in the silence

whispering, talking
sitting, singing
dancing, listening
consoling holding
advising, reminding
smiling, seeing
laughing with me
laughing at me

You are with me.

At first I was really remorseful when I put the dates together and realized when you were in that cold dark place, I was, well…….Then I heard you tell me that it is OK. That I need to enJOY myself too. That life is too short, and ya gotta have a little fun…..so it’s OK that that was a good day for me…….God, I hope it’s ok. You were always a forgiving sort though, so I don’t think you’d mind. In fact, part of me thinks that YOU sent him to me. To offer me comfort, to build a friendship to help fill the void losing you was going to leave. Maybe the biggest void in my life. I remember feeling perplexed at this weird sense of contentment, of peace even. I shrugged it off to not having any feeling/emotion. Then I remembered looking up at him and thinking, “What the hell are you smiling at??” (Maybe you even borrowed a moment in his body and it was actually YOU smiling down at me?????) And it just felt smooth, serene. (A strange thing to say about what we were doing, especially since it was really, really, well, Nice…..) But it just felt like it wasn’t going to complicate anything, or bring about any bad feelings in the long run. Kinda like it was, hanging out with you. It just felt…….right. Like I could tell him things (and I still do), like he’d understand (and he still does). So thank you, if you are responsible for that little (big!) gift. Thank you for allowing me to LAUGH and feel wanted and connected. Thank you for being ok, with me not falling into the void, or losing myself in the abyss of loneliness. I know you always hated me being in turmoil, in pain. I know you always wanted me to be happy. And for those few hours, maybe I was.

And we find at the end of a perfet day, the soul of a friend we've made.

Every spirit builds itself a house, and beyone its house a world, and beyond its world a Heaven

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Today a beautiful angel came and sat on my couch, right next to another one.....


We sat cross legged and drank green tea. We talked about clarity. (He thinks I have it). We talked about building a small foundation with a tiny hut on it, and how storms come and knock it down, but then you build a little bit bigger foundation and a little bit bigger shelter. Until finally, your foundation, and your shelter, can weather any storm. A while back I posted the quote “Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. They are where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. - Henry David Thoreau (now perhaps I see why the giggle, Nathan! Incidentally, I found it really interesting that that your blog, and also the subject of your e-mail was “we are awakening”, as my guru mentioned this today, and I also mentioned it to my friend ‘the Sage’ when we first met. It is just yet another little universal ‘mystery’ or truth that has been uncovered for me in this journey…… ) Anyway, back to foundations. These words of wisdom were left to me, as a gift, so I will include them here to remind me that I am not only working towards building those solid foundations, I am working on putting them on higher ground……

“To see that even though you may be so far from firm ground, both in front of and behind you, still there can be something solid under your feet. But you have to pick a direction and stick to it. A foundation in the air can't sustain you for good, or for long. Your hope can't be in the miracle of engineering that holds you up, temporary in the empty air. And it's going to be hard to hope much in the ground you left behind. You have to put your hope in reaching the firm ground that lies ahead. While it's not so bad sometimes to be up in the air, our faith in life, in love, and in self needs firm ground more than it needs miracles”.

Amen! Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go and watch a movie with Ricky!

I only let people I really trust,

take my photograph

(ok, let me rephrase that: I take horrible pictures. I actually have a phobia about it. So unless you’re prepared to make me feel better about myself when I come out looking like a complete dork, then put that damn thing away..... So basically, if I actually give a crap about your opinion, or are worried or even terrified you won’t find me attractive after, or perhaps that you'll compare me to someone else - gee, i wonder why i'd think that lol! then forget it. In other words, only people who will still think I’m beautiful, even when the picture shows otherwise, get to take my picture.)

That day on the river,

You took my picture

i let you take a lot of them. (2 or 3) i never saw them.

You said I looked “so cute and happy” (I had my Heidi/Pippi Longstocking braids in)

And the day after I cried

A river of tears on your shoulder, and my eyes were all swollen and puffy

You turned around and told me, “God, you’re so beautiful”. And you meant it.

You must think I am a fucking Goddess today.

Nov 29

God i'm in such a messed up, dark place. i can't even go to work. i think i'm losing it because i thought about asking if you want to be my boyfriend. a little late? just a little?? well i didn't have the guts to ask 'till now. God knows, the pickings down here are pretty slim. so we could give the phrase "sympathy date" a whole new meaning! (by the way, i'm not interested in any sympathy friendship offers either)

anyhoo......i know you'd have some sort of witty (which for you meant hillariously dirty!)come back for that, but i need to just rant here for a bit. do you have the internet up there? wireless, huh?? i feel a little sheepish about all the messages i left you. please disregard the one asking if you were dead. shit Ricky, Shit! and why the hell did you leave me so many texts before you left??? you hated texts!! it's like you're haunting my cell phone. WTF?!!

So how 'bout it?? you and me?? this Saturday??..........Nah, it would probably never work. sooner or later i'd get all insecure about the competition. i can't grow wings that fast.


To me, love and death are the same now. Something to grieve for....

By the Way, Say Hi to GOD for me



and thank him.
for you.

Don't Go. Yet.

i watched a movie many years ago, about someone who's loved one died. but they never actually left them. they stayed around until they were no longer needed. they touched the one they loved on the shoulder, on the hand, and helped them through the days, and the long and lonely nights, just like you are for me. but it seems to me, that eventually, the loved one left behind, finally realized, that they were holding the person back from where they were going to go next. and that it was selfish of them to hold on.....

can i be selfish, for just a little while longer?? in some strange way, i am actually enjoying spending this time with you. or at least i am grateful you haven't completely gone yet. your presence is so strong....

so what's your hurry dear friend?? you have an eternity. spend a few more moments with me. i know you will. and i know i will see you again soon. i'm right behind you. i guess we all are....so save me a seat.

I wonder. You tell me I know.

I hope. You tell me I’m right.

I mope. You pick me up and smile.

I doubt. You affirm.

I cry. You laugh at me.

I sink into self pity. You tell me get up.

I sing. You listen.

I listen. You speak.

I dance. You dance with me.

I miss you. You notice.

I need. You take time.

I grieve. You give.

I ask. You answer.

I forget. You remind me.

Destiny
Holding you close to my heart

Pressing your picture to my chest

Close my eyes

And sway

To your song

Tears streaming

Washing me away

I don’t know where they buried you

Never got to say goodbye

Didn't even know you were gone

for so long

Why did you leave me??

Scared to face I always knew

That you would leave us

all too soon

That all roads pointed you home

Your earthly body fragile, yet strong

Your Spirit even stronger

Here with me now

As I sway,

As I sway.

As I stagger around dazed and in confusion, trying to figure out how to navigate this awful, muddy road of grief, I have reached out to, or been put in the path of some very healing people or entities, from all over the world, and indeed, the 'Universe'. These are all people i believe Rick wanted me to meet, or reconnect with. He had a way of bringing people together. Nathan, is a stranger who's heart was willing to offer me solace, from the other side of the globe. I was drawn to him immediately as I glanced through his profile which reads like a poem in itself: "Words to undo words rather than add to the noise", "People who live in love as an example to that which they believe", "Unboxing all this", "Whatever society is not", "Eternal present moment".....brilliant, beautiful, breathtaking, haunting...... Anyway, i am incredibly grateful to have been in touch with him, and look forward to more of his spiritual insights.....


....."So yes, passing through... it's something I've always felt I'm doing. Nothing is permanent. For me that is incredibly positive, life-affirming... the fact that we exist, here and now, but we won't always be here, in this space, with this experience, on this place on Earth. We have this opportunity to experience, to express who we are. Who are we again?

We were born of the mystery and we return to the mystery... We live the Mystery! But I guess in those sentiments, 'passing through' I'm really identifying with Spirit.
As a human being and physical form, this is all there is. As spirit (which to me is the greater driving force) we are simply passing through. We existed before taking human form and will exist after. If we identify with the human form, everything is perishable, transient, painful... but when you uncover the knowledge that we are not primarily the body, we are the consciousness that drives it, you realise that life as we know it is just a passing through... consciousness/the soul is what continues... that's the energy of the Universe that we were never really separate from in the first place... we have always been that... it's just our minds separate everything until we become completely lost. We were born from the One movement of the Universe, and we return to that movement, that movement that continues and never dies. We ARE that movement!

Didn't Have to Make You, You Just Did

It takes a special kind of person to get me out in the winter time. But your Spirit was just so contagious, it was a joy and a pleasure to be with you, even to freeze with you. I remember when we took the girls skating on the pond at Hawrelak park at night. I watched you with her. I remember wishing that my daughter had what she had. And for a fleeting moment, I wished there was more than friendship between us.

After you made them both laugh and smile (you were so good at that) you skated off to have a moment to yourself. The moon and the lights on the ice cast an almost saint or angel like glow around your beautiful silhouette. I stood still and admired you as you skated gracefully off into the shadows.

This was the song that was playing.

A WALK

At the end of our long journey

We walked through a field

I remember that field

Glowing purple and amber in the setting sun

We moved through it peacefully, quickly.

Too quickly. i see that now.

There were no words spoken between us

There never needed to be, with us

Had I known, it was the very end

I would have tried to say some things

Things that could never be said with words

Only in the stillness and silence of my heart

That speaks softly to you now

As it slowly breaks for me, for her

But not for you my dear sweet friend

Because now you walk in Fields of Gold

Like a Gladiator, Like a God

And you ride and race the whales

As you laugh and wait for me

Nov 28, 2010

What a way to find out
in the basement of the waterpark
in a place we used to hang out
you waited until i was ready
until everything was under control
so i wouldn't fall apart
well i did anyway....

he was a stranger.
he looked at me like,
"Come on, you already knew" and i did.
so why did i let it happen??
how could i let it happen??!
why did you let me??
was it SUPPOSED to happen??
why did you make me an accessory??
you didn't think i'd mind??
you didn't think i'd wonder??
you didn't think i'd agonize over what IF??
i don't mean to be selfish, but
i just have all these questions
did i have any control??
did you???
did i push the boat off shore??

what were your very last thoughts??
did you hear those awful words??
did you believe her??
oh Jesus, you were only a child.
were you self medicating sweetie??
did you do it on purpose??
were you in your right mind??
'cause i'm out of mine
Missing you, mourning you.
where did you go??
why did you go??

was it the wrong place,
at the wrong time??
or just your time??
you keep speaking to me,
so tell me, why didn't it sink???
did YOU drag it to shore????
you always returned things you borrowed...

i should have said no
oh God i should have said no
Honey, i'm so sorry
i'm so very very sorry!

This can't be Real
oh God, please don't let it be real...

Nov 28 Ranting/Losing it!!

This is a rant that happened one night when I thought I was losing it. I go off on a tangent and bring up a whole bunch of topics. Some aren't even related to Ricky, but he's the reason I kinda went nuts. I was going crazy missing him and wishing he would TALK to me. He was the whole time. I just had to listen 'hearter'.

He loved me too. They all did. I told them all to buzz off though so I could run off to join the NHL before i jumped off the Calgary Tower. HA! I broke every bone in my body, but i survived the Fall. Then the Twin Towers fell and i lost my footing. I got to ride in a cool black '69 Kimaro with fake seatbelts though. And my first apartment had 2 floors and grass for carpet. plastic melts in oil. you came when i wasn't home and took something that belonged to me. you just missed the telephone operator across the hall. who WAS that guy with the cocaine nose job and the bible in his hand anyway?? no matter, i forgave you because your heart was beaten to a pulp. then i cooked you sacred hollowpoint food. Hair so black and soft on the pink couch in New York. you called it a theeAter. sooooo key-Ute! you have Pins in your Head that make you dance. i do too. you were so shy. i so wasn't. i always loved your jeans and what was underneath your jacket. i know how to hunt for oil. you met my dad at the pizza joint then i took off in someone else's corvette. you paid me back at tags and that was my Out. stupid screwed up kids! I was a fucking Spider Queen. No one could de-throne me. I tended bar for Ninja's! i got tips from Greek Gods. Minneapolis had great cookies, shrimp and hoops. too much booze! Then I joined planned parenthood on Granville Island and ordered 3 boyz while we listened to Bob Marley in the Rain. the safari at the delta was fun but it took me away from you. you were my biggest temptation and i was yours. Turbo Lover, tell me there's no other on your desert plane. eat that popcorn plain! lol! But you saved me with a wave. he did with a word. his spelling is impeccable, but he isn't you. he doesn't know me like you do. Northern lights so beautiful they made me cry. holy god what did that plant at the end of the hall ever do to you?!?? HAHA! i can't believe we broke a whole truckload of beer bottles! why didn't we drink them?? why didn't we make out on the hood of that Basic truck and howl at the moon? .....oh that's right, we did.

Nov 28 (Ranting/Losing it!)

Another rant that didn't make a lot of sense. It was just a stream of consciousness thing brought on by grief I guess.


BASIC DUDE, basic instinct, basic rage, basic randomness, basic cutlery, basic confusion!

SPEAK TO ME! i have people from the corners trying to comfort me. you are there. you talk to me. shut up already, i'm at my kid's soccer game. go sit over there! don't distract me, i'm trying to serve. get ready to Spike! "So this is you" - Score! that was a line but a good one. i used to eat dry roasted peanuts at the Grey cup now i am the black sheep missing a Lone Wolf. i will go light a candle for you where my parents and Gretzky said their vows. there is a connection between you and my beloved. you stuck up for him. your text asked if i am still in the vortex of young Love. our first real date Ric's grill. you took me for a walk in the trees. you love the writing of other cultures just like me. you still have my M &M CD. you stole it so i wouldn't listen to the burn song. i know it. i can rap it. take that CEO. i want to live in a tiny red house with polka dots and crooked hearts. i saw the stars. you didn't but when the leaves fell you told me it's always been me. it's always been ME!! but the Wilsonator was always beyond my grasp - except for dirty jokes! it was my turn though. go back to zero do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars. good thing i have the face of a doll. there are mountains in the valley with my name on them. drugs are bad, liars are worse. you weren't there when i burnt my hand. you would have asked the nurse to lift up her skirt! Zak was a rat bastard he liked blueberries. Poland was my Kurt Cobain. Redwoods are life savers. you loved trees. the Forest of the 7 Trees speak to me now. i will get one tatooed on my spine to remember you. i don't mean to be rude but the other connection was that his dog's name was Nikita! i know because i transported him from Athabasca to rehab! he wouldn't fit in the backpack or be still at the ceremony. i just want my fucking red Yamaha jacket back. i will wash it with the mismatched socks of my lover. i bled on his bed. he swallowed me whole. the 3 sides of my garage are zombies. borax kayak rack! i stepped on your toes then i suffered. you think you love me!? you KNOW you love me! you think you can have me? well you can't. i can only be had by the dead now. Sept 9 is my birthday. innukshuks seal the deal. your love is awful i believe you now. mine is just as pristine as you are. you left me at the airport. cryptic, mystic, no sense?? give me a brake. how does that feel? well i don't FEEL anymore. only you will understand ME so we WILL be friends!!!!!
Posted by

Nov 28, 2010

I wanted to ask you
how your last few moments on Earth were

Were you sad?

Were you scared?

Were you lonely?

Was it cold?

Was it dark?

Did you struggle?

Did you suffer sweetheart?

or did you surrender

and quietly slip into Peace

Carried off by Angels

To be where You Belong

Where you deserve to be,

for all Eternity.

Nov 27, 2010

nice going dufuss!

Ricky was in a movie they filmed here. i just sat down to watch it and i broke it in half taking it out of the case. wtf. the cats have officially moved into his dollhouse though, so i think he's happy with that. (he loved animals)

Nov 27, 2010

REST IN PEACE, RICKY. I will go on loving you.

True friends are a rare gift in life. Rick was a beautiful, and rare gift. I was shocked and deeply saddened to hear of his passing. My grief is compounded by the unbearable guilt that his life ended in the kayak that I lent him. When I heard of his drowning, I fell to my knees overcome with an enormous sense of disbelief and Loss. My dear friend of 25 years is gone, and I feel responsible. How does a person live with that? How do I face the daughter (the one that he knew) and loved more than life, and tell her that it is partly my fault she will never spend another Christmas with her dad? How do I tell her that if I had listened to my heart and my gut, he may have stayed in his campsite by the warmth of the fire instead of going out on that stormy lake to die. How?

This time of year will now always remind me of him. Rick loved Christmas. Every time he came over for a visit during the holidays he would look at all my decorations and say “This, is what I wish I could do for Meghan”. But I know he did so much more for her, than make things look nice and buy her expensive gifts. He gave the gift of himself. And I was lucky enough to receive the same. He was the true definition of a friend and I loved him dearly. Rick and I knew each other so well and we did so many things together over the years, that I know EXACTLY what he would say in almost any situation. Today when I was shopping for a frame to put his picture in, I told him he would have to come with me to help me pick it out. I could literally hear him talking to me and cracking jokes as I (we) walked through the stores. He was there with me, no doubt what so ever.

I have a million memories of him. Too many to share here. They surround me and I am immersed in them like he was submersed in that water. His voice, his laughter, his singing, his cheerful smile are all still with me. His words of comfort, of encouragement, of affirmation, of love. There are still a dozen text messages on my phone that all start the same way: “Hey Beautiful..…” God I will miss the way he could cheer me up, the way he could make me laugh, the way he gave me shit, and the way he would drive across town just to hold my hand for 3 hours when I was feeling really down. “Stop sitting in your shit!” he would say, or when I would lose a guy he would say “Aren’t you glad you didn’t have to drive that dump truck all the way to the dump!?!” I loved how he was in tune with so many things; emotions, love, nature, spirituality, God. It was his dream to move out to the west coast to start a whale watching business. After I visit his campsite this summer I would like to go out there to see if I can ‘spend a bit more time with him’. He was (is) such a beautiful soul. He is at peace now, his struggles over. He will live on in my soul and I will be forever grateful that he is my forever friend…..





Last night while i was crashing through my garage trying to rip my kayak rack off the wall, I suddenly had this urge to open up the Tao Te Ching. My guru told me that if you are struggling with a problem or a question, often, all you have to do is pick up a book and open it to a random page and the answer will jump out at you.

I 'randomly' opened it to page 87. According to the police officer that helped recover his body, Rick's campsite number was #87.......

People suffer at the thought of being
without parents, without food, or without worth
Yet this is the very way that
kings and lords once described themselves.
For one gains by losing,
and loses by gaining.


The next page I looked at read:

Why does high status greatly affect our person?
The reason we have a lot of trouble is that we have selves.
If we have no selves,
what trouble would we have?

Man's true self is eternal,
yet he thinks, I am this body and will soon die.
If we have no body, what calamities can we have?
One who sees himself as everything
is fit to be guardian of the world.
One who loves himself as everyone
is fit to be teacher of the world.


More WORDS OF COMFORT: (thank you all, and if anyone out there has any to add, please feel free to).

Wanna talk? (from the first person I wanted to tell, without hesitation - eery that a line in his blog included both the words death, and drowned). i will take him up on it if i ever stop crying.


And I leave you with this, my sympathies for your loss and what little comfort ancient wisdom may provide…...
“The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity.” – Seneca (thx G)

Nothing has happened to him! He just isn't in his body anymore!

I think he would be happy that there was someone here who misses him so much and is so sad that he is gone.....(but he is not gone! He was shopping with me taday 'for fakes sakes'....)

When everyone else had given up on him, you stood by him. You were a good friend to him.

Now he can hang out on the beautiful, rugged (just like he was) west coast for all of eternity if he wants to.....maybe this was the only way he was going to get there. (too many things in life got in his way)

You gave him the opportunity to die doing something he loved, where he loved to be (instead of dying in a hospital bed or a lonely grungy hotel room)

You are no more responsible than if you had lent him your car and he was in a car accident.

We all must go when it is our time. It was his time, he had suffered enough.

Stop sitting in your shit, Iampen!


(He loved this song):

Nov 9, 2010

Tuesday, November 9, 2010 Dead or Alive?

Most people that know me know that although I am generally very upbeat and can laugh about pretty much anything, there is a side to me that suffers from a fair bit of anxiety. I’m a worrier. I worry that I’m not doing quite enough for my daughter, I worry my parents will get sick and I haven’t spent nearly enough time with them, I worry that our collective fucked up consciousness will cause another massive natural disaster and thousands of innocent people will suffer and die, I worry I don’t do enough for my students, I worry that something really awful will happen in my life (like a family member will be killed or get cancer again) and my comfortable little life will be shattered. I try not to dwell on it, but it does pop into my pretty little head once in a while.

Lately the ‘target’ of my worry has been a dear friend of mine that I’ve known for over half my life. He’s someone that through the years I have been through a LOT with, and we’ve always tried to be there for one another when things got really, really low. This friend has not had an easy life. He has battled some real demons and lived through some extremely tough shit. Recently he found out that he had another daughter, one he had never met (if she is anything like his other daughter, he would definitely want to meet her. Anyone would!) Upon finding out about her, he immediately took a leave of absence to comb the most violent, drug infested area of Vancouver to look for a daughter he never met and didn’t know if she was dead or alive. But that is my friend. He would do as much for a stranger. He is just so full of love and one of the most spiritual people I know, and even though he has struggled through so many of lifes difficult battles (and won), he’s NEVER played the victim card and still manages to stay positive, maintain his killer sense of humour, and continue his quest for spiritual enlightenment.

The last time I saw him, we pulled this crazy stunt where we decided to raft and kayak about 60 miles down the north Saskatchewan river. It was a trip that should have taken 3 or 4 hours, but it ended up taking 7. (the raft sprung a hole in it, a huge storm blew up, all kinds of things went wrong). But I remember feeling safe with him and knowing that no matter what, we would get back because he was an experienced ‘woodsman’ and wouldn’t let anything happen to me. Floating down that river together, in the beautiful wilderness, was just so peaceful and relaxing, and just what I needed to restore my broken spirit at the time. We stopped on a little island for lunch, had several water fights, and just enjoyed being on the water. It was one of the best days of my adult life.

When we finally reached our destination, we were exhausted, worn out, but happy. As we hugged goodbye he told me he was going to scout out another river trip for us. Since his giant raft had a hole in it, I told him just to use my kayak. So he picked it up a couple weeks later and headed out to his campsite with it. Being a worrier, the thought crossed my mind that if he somehow lost all his perfectly honed survival skills and ended up drowning, then it would be MY fault because I encouraged him to take my kayak, and to find us another spot for another perfect day.

My fears grew even stronger when I didn’t hear from him in several weeks. Not one word. Not a text, no phone call. Nothing. I have left him several messages, and he is someone who ALWAYS calls me back in the next day or two at the most. Whenever I need to go for coffee or just need a laugh, he is there with his sparkly smile and twinkling eyes to make me laugh and melt my troubles away. but I just have this gut feeling that something is wrong. I can feel it. This is so not like him. Someone suggested that he just wanted to keep the boat so he just took off. But they obviously don’t know Ricky. He would NEVER sacrifice a 25 year friendship for a kayak worth a measly few hundred bucks. He just wouldn’t. I would trust this guy with the keys to my house, my kid, my life. So why am I typing out this story when I should be marking papers?? Because more and more I believe that what you put out into the universe, sends a message, and affects or alters either conciousnes or reality. Maybe he will somehow get the message and let me know he’s ok. maybe someone will read this, say a little prayer for him, and it will help. Now I am starting to feel like he did when he went to Van looking for his missing daughter not knowing if she is alive or dead. I miss him and I hope he’ll call soon.